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If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the

third

judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you

know how

true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time

Halloween

comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San

Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named

Frank,

who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

directions to

the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the

other two

judges (Native Texans) that the chili! wouldn't be all that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure

what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted

to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when

they

saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like

I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me

more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone

is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of

the

beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

or

other mild foods! not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid,

was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is

starting to

look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,

adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must

admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and

I can

no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her

chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning

my

lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to

stop

screaming.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices

and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with

gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will

eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except

that

Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow

cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned

peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili

peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried

about

Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like

it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which

slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.

At

least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to

stop

breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen

anyway. If

I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too

bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild

nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed

out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not

sure if

he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to

really

hot chili

Judge # 3 - No Report