General Forums >> Volunteering >> What to do when your partner/spouse doesn't view Volunteering the same way you do?
What to do when your partner/spouse doesn't view Volunteering the same way you do?
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Posted 10 months ago Today I had a conversation with my partner regarding a fire alarm call I got last night. the page went out at 3 am and up I jumped. She said why don't you skip this one? i couldn't. I was wide awake wondering what was going on. Reason being is that in my haste to turn down the pager I inadvertently turned it off and missed the call. I went downstairs and listened on the scanner and heard what the call was. I raced to the firehouse and Engine one was already gone. I stayed until the all clear at 415 am. So, back to the conversation...She views Volunteering as a choice to go when you want. I view volunteering as an honor, privilege to be on the crew and a deep responsibility. she said I disagree. It is not mandatory and you are not getting paid. I told her that I felt this was something VERY important that I was doing and that if our house ever caught on fire, I wouldn't want to worry that hopefully someone will choose to go on THAT call to save my house. What if everyone chose not to go to that one call because they were too busy or didn't feel like going out in the snow and ice...We would lose everything or more. I think she understood it from that point of view. I told her that I don't feel that it is a choice to pick and choose the calls you go to since EVERY call is just as important as the one before it. Am I making sense? I know others must be faced with this dilemma. What do you do in this situation? I told her that I am not stopping because there are those that need help and I feel that I am contributing in some small way to those very needs, but at the same time I don't want her to resent me or what I do every time the pager goes off. HELP!!! |
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| Posted 10 months ago Girl... You're doing what's right... explaining things to her will hopefully help you out!!! I too was in that situation at one time in my life, i was told that i needed to choose between here and the dept. well need less to say we're still friends to this day, and i'm still married to my dept.. lol.. I've always used the example of if you're at a Thanksgiving Day diner with you family and say your g-ma was chokin on a chicken bone.. you'ld want help to be there in a hurry, and not have to wonder if the the people forgot about ya... I've left many diners, many partys, movies ect.. they all get over it soon or later.. if not.. you'll always have your other love to fall back on..... If you need anything else or wanna chat.. you know where to find me.... |
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| Posted 10 months ago Get a new spouse! |
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| Posted 10 months ago jbeal82 said: not gonna happen. We've been together for over 7 years. I think it's just an adjustment period for her. I hope. |
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| Posted 10 months ago Rookiee1277 said: thanks that helps to know others have dealt with this too. It was a hard conversation to have. I finally found a purpose in life and am forced to even have this happen. Hopefully this too shall pass. |
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| Posted 10 months ago Being a pastor and volunteer Search & Rescue Chaplain, I understand middle-of-the-night calls. While I'm not required to "jump and run", I do. My wife understands this is part of the job and who I am and what I do. One of the things I have found helpful for me and especially for her is to have her talk to other spouses or girlfriends of those in my unit. While we don't have a "family support group", it is a good thing to get folks together to encourage and support one another-especially for those who are new to the unit or new to being being first responders. I would suggest several things.
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| Posted 10 months ago graceman1290 said: I agree completely. Communication is the most important thing......in every direction. The largest room is the room for self improvement |
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| Posted 10 months ago I don't catch grief on calls when the pager goes off, unless we are in the middle of grocery shopping or out to eat dinner or something. But I do get it when there are times like this last few days, when the whole area was on fire due to conditions and all the counties resources were depleated, and we were on alert and had multiple people staging at the station, ready to respond quickly. Also for weekly (twice a month) meetings and such. The calls aren't usually an issue, but the other stuff can be. Jeff Draper
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| Posted 10 months ago Only when the whole family gets together is when I normally have problems. I can see their point. They drive 1-2 hours to see me and then I get toned out. I really do not have a prolem any other time. I've made it clear that I do not have control of people needing help and the kids seem to understand.
"Its better to have and not need, then to need and not have."
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| Posted 10 months ago well put rookiee1277.i had to explain that to my wife .what if it was one of our family members then it hit home. |
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| Posted 10 months ago I catch grief everytime. I am the communications officer (even though you'll catch hell from me if you try to take me off the line) I am going to go if I hear it. Like I told mine I was looking when I found her. I may be a hardass on this but after 5 years of trying to explain to her the importance and pretty much telling her what Angel told hers, I am like this is me love it or leave it. One Shot. One Kill. Ready to die but never will!!!!! R.I.P. Chesty |
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| Posted 10 months ago Well it sounds like you explain things to her all right but there is one thing I learn in 27 years and over 1000's of calls that your family has to come first then your job then the Fire Department. Yes it is an honor to be a firefighter and yes we are a family. But you must let your real family know that they come first. Be safe
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| Posted 10 months ago Granthamvfd said: I totally agree with this, but that was not my predicament. the point was, she was pissed she got woken up by the pager at 3 am which is what spurred opur initial conversation. I would never put volunteering over my wife. What I needed from her was her understanding of what I do, and her support for what I do. |
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| Posted 10 months ago Good for you for putting your family first! Is there an auxillary where you are? If she doesn't want to be a firefighter, perhaps she would like being behind the scenes. It would give her a pretty good view of what's going on and maybe she would understand more. Does this help? |
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| Posted 10 months ago Jenn said: Our chief's wife started a ladies auxillary last year. They do all kinds of stuff. Sometimes they bring dinner to the station on meeting night. Sometimes they go to the park with the kids during the meetings. They help support anything the fire department does. Most of them really enjoy getting together. My wife has started to get involved. The support from the others has had a positive effect. The largest room is the room for self improvement |
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| Posted 10 months ago Well, honestly, my kids come first. They are blood, she is not. then my job, then fire service. I know I will get all kinds of shit over that but, I am who I am no need to go further with it. I have become very set in my ways One Shot. One Kill. Ready to die but never will!!!!! R.I.P. Chesty |
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| Posted 10 months ago As many of you noted smoething I forgot to mention-family does come first! I have ahad lots of conversations both in and out of the church about priorities. I explain that my relationship with the Lord comes first, then my family. (Yes I have missed church functions to do things with my kids.) Last is the Church/S&R stuff. Unless one keeps these priorities, there can never be a balance in life.
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| Posted 10 months ago AngelJo008 said: first off let me say family comes first ! I have a couple of questions. were you in the fire service when you started dating, and or moved into together? if yes. than it was no surprise to your partner. that the pager can and will go off at all hours of the day and night. if this is something new to you and your partner. please set down and talk things out. explain to your partner that this is part of your hopes and dreams. and that this is something that you want to do. and it will take time to get use to it. it is your way of helping the community. maybe then your partner will understand why you get up at 3a.m. to help someone you may or may not even know ! GOOD LUCK TO YOU ! |
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| Posted 10 months ago Hang in there AngelJo. She'll come around eventualy. |
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| Posted 10 months ago UPDATE: We sat down and had a VERY long conversation and I told her flat out....I need your understanding and support on this. It is very important to me and it's something that makes me feel useful and complete. She responded, I would never ask you to quit, I just hate that damn pager!!! It's sooooo loud!!! LOL!! So, All is good. BTW, this is something that is new to us both. We've been together for almost 7 years and just this last year is when I started, so I know it will take some time to adjust on both sides. Thanks everyone for all of your support and advise. It does help to know there are others that have faced this situation!! cheers to all! |
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| Posted 10 months ago Put your family first or be like me. One of the many single parent firefighters. Yea, my exwife wanted me to be a member of the Volunteer fire Department and I warned her about how much time it would take to get to where I was proficient as a FF/EMT. She insisted that I do it because it was what I wanted to do for a very long time. Wouldn't you know it when she used it against me in court. Aint life a Bitch! Life goes on and my fire families have always been there for me. No regrets! |
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| Posted 10 months ago AngelJo008 said: Well you can not force her. because you might drive her away. Just give her time to see your point. good luck Be safe
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| Posted 10 months ago AngelJo008 said: Maybe just turn the volume down. I know that helped for me. Learn to listen for the tones. The largest room is the room for self improvement |
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| Posted 10 months ago tsmith1 said: that's what , in fact, I did. Except, there have not been any calls since then, so we shall see :) |
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| Posted 10 months ago Here is my a few point I have learned over the years. 1. There will always be other calls/incidents, 2. If you are asked to stay home.. look for a reason, you may have to ask.. but there may be an underlying reason. 3. The Dept has and will continue to operate without me... it was here before I came along and will be there after I am gone. I try not to put the Vol. FD before my family... I dont carry my radio when Its "us" time, My wife understands my devotion and in turn I get very little flak about it.. but also I give us the time we need and it works out better for everyone. |
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| Posted 10 months ago do what you think is right, only you can determine what is priority number 1 and what falls after it |
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| Posted 10 months ago I set it on vibrate for cheap thrills. But seriously, it's the JOB. If, when I worked at a warehouse, or a bookstore, someone had called me at 3 am, telling me the place had been vandalized or broken into, I would've cussed them out and made a note to call the insurance company in the morning. But as a hazardous waste emergency response guy, or like you FFs, you get that call, you're gonna go. LIVES or the ENVIRONMENT are at stake. Totally different level of priorities. My spouse didn't mind when I'd bring home huge files from work and study at night, spreading landfill blueprints all over the living-room floor. She understood that I AM WHAT I DO; it's an avocation as well as a vocation...there's no turning it off. Significant others, if they really dig you, should be able to understand this. And AngelJo, it may have taken you 6 of those 7 years to finally figure out what it is you want to do, but the personality traits were there all along. Glad you're workin' it out. |
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| Posted 10 months ago Gwyd, You're right, the traits were there the entire time and she accepts that. In Fact, that's one of the many parts she loves about me; my undying need to help others including critters/animals. I want everyone to understand, I have and and will never put Volunteering before my wife. HOWEVER, I must also say, that if not me, then who? If I hope and pray that the other guys will be there....what if they aren't? I signed on for a reason. Not to pick and choose which calls I go on. She knows this and understands this now. Before, she did not understand the importance. I think mostly it's the pager interrupting her sleep is what her main gripe was about not the JOB. Thanks for all the support everyone!! |
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| Posted 10 months ago AngelJo008 said: I used to be the same way about being woke up in the middle of the night by my husband's pager, but I got used to it. He does turn it down a little now so that it dosen't wake me. Maybe that would help out if you did that. I think that in time she will adjust and be a little more patient about being woke up. Good luck. |
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| Posted 10 months ago Being a wife of a fireman, I am to the point that most of the time I don't even hear the pager go off in the middle of the night. Some times I do but it only half wakes me up and then I am back to sleep. And it is in our bedroom. He is also a sheriff's deputy and when he used to bring his radio home that drove me nuts more than the fire pager. That went on all night long. I have been left at restaurants, we have had gatherings at our house and he has left, etc. Usually I do not get upset. There are times though that I do get a little "cranky" about him leaving. We just had an instance over the holidays that we had my family over and we were just getting ready for dinner and he got a page and left. I was ok with it at first because he told me he would not go to the hospital that he would just got to the call. Ok, that was fine. Then he never came back and never called. Then I got upset. Especially when I called him a few times and he didn't answer. Come to find out he did go to the hospital. Thinking back, I was more upset about it because I was worried what my parents and sister and her family would think and how they would feel. Plus the kids wanting to open gifts. Plus this year was a hard holiday time for me because he had to work at the sheriff's department both on christmas eve and christmas day. So he missed out on a lot of the christmas gift opening. So maybe just remembering to thank her once in a while for understanding about the calls and making sure she is included in your "fire" life. |